Something to Lose

I want the best of both worlds.

I want constancy yet I want everything to change.

I want comfort yet I want to be stretched. I yearn to be stretched.

I want to go back to a time when I had something to lose. I miss that. I miss you. But I want to move forward and push on more than anything.

God, where do I go from here? Why can't I seem to find my way? What is this roller coaster I've been on for the past two years and when can I get off? Did I miss the exit?

I don't want to be this person anymore, what happened to that girl I used to know who wouldn't settle for the mundane or mediocre?

Keep pushing, keep trudging, don't settle for this, don't settle for comfortable.

Surely You have more for me than this, I know there has to be more.

Knitting

I'm home.

I'm knitting. I'm knitting my life.

I don't know what it's going to be, but in the end it will be beautiful, of this I am sure. Patterns will emerge and colors will weave in and out. You're there, did you know? Represented in a piece of yarn. What color are you? Are you constant, do you fade in and out gradually or begin and end abruptly? Do you overwhelm the pattern? Do you have any lasting effects?

Steer clear, please, if you intend to overwhelm and then leave, or if you intend to ruin the pattern.

I'm going to try harder now. I'm going to try much much harder to live well, to do what I love, and to be the kind of friend that stays.