Something to Lose

I want the best of both worlds.

I want constancy yet I want everything to change.

I want comfort yet I want to be stretched. I yearn to be stretched.

I want to go back to a time when I had something to lose. I miss that. I miss you. But I want to move forward and push on more than anything.

God, where do I go from here? Why can't I seem to find my way? What is this roller coaster I've been on for the past two years and when can I get off? Did I miss the exit?

I don't want to be this person anymore, what happened to that girl I used to know who wouldn't settle for the mundane or mediocre?

Keep pushing, keep trudging, don't settle for this, don't settle for comfortable.

Surely You have more for me than this, I know there has to be more.

Knitting

I'm home.

I'm knitting. I'm knitting my life.

I don't know what it's going to be, but in the end it will be beautiful, of this I am sure. Patterns will emerge and colors will weave in and out. You're there, did you know? Represented in a piece of yarn. What color are you? Are you constant, do you fade in and out gradually or begin and end abruptly? Do you overwhelm the pattern? Do you have any lasting effects?

Steer clear, please, if you intend to overwhelm and then leave, or if you intend to ruin the pattern.

I'm going to try harder now. I'm going to try much much harder to live well, to do what I love, and to be the kind of friend that stays.

Day #182

It's so strange, six months ago I imagined I would be counting down the days until this Tuesday, July 1st, but no, in fact, before I could blink it was the middle of June and I was dreading the very day I thought I would be eagerly anticipating.

I'm not sure what's happened to me, but I don't dislike it.

I understand that nothing needs to change just because the day that marked the end of my commitment to not date has come and gone.  No, nothing needs to change at all and I knew nothing really would change, anyway.  It's just suddenly, now that the six months have passed, I feel as though that was not enough time.  I need more time!  Maybe I'm just in need of another easy excuse to be able to say "no" and not feel bad, OR I just need to be strong and remember that excuses are for wussies anyway and no one needs or even deserves an explanation or an excuse from me.

It occurred to me on the drive home from my friend's house tonight how strange my life must seem to other people, but to me it doesn't make sense to live any other way.  

I just can't waste any more of my time and energy on boys.  I've done enough of that and have come to realize that there are more important things in life: I just want to love people, I want to be there for my family and friends, I want to follow God unhindered and undistracted, I want to live simply, with no silly and completely avoidable complications, I want it to be a 'drama-free 23'.  That's right, it's come to this, I'm now giving every year a tag line...