An Attempt to be a Little More Honest

I feel like most of the time I am never really completely open and honest while blogging. I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think it really is necessary to get these things out at times and make yourself a little more vulnerable ::shudders:: 

Lately, I've been feeling convicted.  I've shut it out and shut it out, but without fail, I turn around and there it is: conviction.  When did I get so selfish, competitive, and prideful?  I've been living so selfishly for the past... long time.  For a stint I could almost feel myself slipping away, but I didn't want to deal with it, I wanted to live however I wanted to.  After all, I'm young, I deserve to have fun, right?  Little did I realize how really unhappy I had become, I was restless, dissatisfied and ashamed for not doing what I knew in my heart were the good and right and perfect things to do.  So I decided to make silly life rules, which I often tend to do, in order to 'live better' and make better choices as to avoid emotional upset and drama.  I'm not saying these rules are bad, in fact, some of them have been very helpful and have been the best rules and decisions I've made in quite a long time.  But I've suddenly been feeling convicted that my heart is STILL not in the right place, I was doing these things because I thought they were a good idea for me and I hoped that ultimately they would make my relationship with God stronger, but in all reality they did nothing but give me more reasons to be self-righteous.  I am being just as selfish as before and feel no closer to God.  Ugh.  When will I ever get this right?  It's not about me.  

Rules can be there, but they can't ever be used as a replacement for a genuine heart to heart relationship with God.

It's amazing to see the people that God sent across my path.  Wide awake christians, living life as normal, everyday people, making a difference in the lives of the people around them simply by loving them, not by following a set of rules.  Completely unselfish and beautiful.  *sigh*  things are getting better, my heart is changing. What can I say? It's a process, but I'm headed in the right direction.

The Emerald City: Thoughts on Seattle (journal excerpt)

I've found Seattle to be a good 'in-between' city.  It's some strange cross between a sleepy town, tourist central, and a bustling metropolis.  It certainly shares the west coast's laid back feel, but with a different kind of energy. I like that it hasn't been ruined by people I know.  I came here with no major preconceived notions and most certainly am not expecting to run into anyone I will have ever met before.  I feel like I could really like it here.  Part of me agrees with something my dad told me, he said that all cities are really pretty much the same only the terrain and weather are different, another part of me thinks that cities have completely different feels, despite their apparent similarities.  I guess I'm just having a hard time pinpointing what it is about THIS city in particular that is different.  These things are often hard to put into words.  Seattle doesn't excite my heart like New York did, or take me by surprise like Denver, the only word I can find to describe it is 'comfortable'.  From the moment I arrived here I've just felt at home.  It isn't some strange, menacing or scary place and though I know there are many places and things here to explore, I don't feel an overwhelming need to search them out.  I really enjoy the fact that people here are accepting and 'normal'.  The people here just feel real.  Although, I have found there to be a lack of smiles. Yes, smiles and color are what are missing. Perhaps that's a result of the weather.  Maybe if I just looked harder for them.  Regardless, the air is clean, the people are nice, and it's there's always somewhere inviting and beautiful to rest, take to a deep breath and just be.