Welcome to the Fall

The wind is whistling through the window, circling round and leaving again. On it's bow is a hint of orange and brown and the smells of changing leaves, caramel apples and pumpkin patches.

Something in the air changed. Fall is here.

Can you feel it?


The world is preparing to sleep and people's hearts are starting to struggle to stay awake as fall begins trying to pull them down into deep slumber. This year I can't help but think that fall will drag me under. This year I feel as though I have no strength to stay awake. I don't want to reflect, I don't want to contemplate, not this year.

Sleep is pulling me under. Deep it draws me, down, down, down, to a place where my heart will be safely tucked away and it can sleep peacefully, no longer burdened by the weight of the world. I'll be back in my old yard trying to catch the giant oak leaves as they fall from what seems like miles above. I'll be laying in the grass among the fallen leaves, watching the shadows grow long, imagining what it would be like to float like a leaf on the breeze that brushes over my cherry-red nose.

If you must, come find me.

A Watery Grave

"I don't know..you're really distant"
"I know, I don't know what happened or how to snap out of it."

Why is it such a struggle for my heart to feel anything these days? I try and try, but nothing. My heart feels nothing.
It's as though I buried my heart in the watery depths of the Baltic Sea. I'm not sure if I can get it back. Rather, I'm not sure if I want to retrieve it. The difficulties in that endeavor would be painful and long and I don't even know why. I don't even know what secrets it's keeping from me or why I thought it best to throw it overboard. When did these walls go up? When did I seal it off? How deep must I dig to free it again, and is it even worth the effort right now?
For the time being, my life consists of to do lists that even my friends and family are on. "have fun" "be there for so and so" "be accepting of new friends."
Something inside of me snapped and seems irreparable.
God, where are You? Why am I so alone?
It scares me that being alone is okay with me, that maybe if I admit it, it's what I prefer. How completely selfish of me.

If I could just make it back to the sea, maybe this all would make sense.

The Beginning of a Brand New Adventure

Here I am, I've made it. Almost unbelievable how far I feel like I've come.
This giant leap feels so great, something I've been needing for entirely too long, yet something I never thought would be so soon. No matter how prepared you think you are, somehow it's never enough. Honestly, lately I've felt something like an awkward tween, unaware of my own height and breadth. I may bump my head a few times, but I'm more than happy to take that risk in order to start this new chapter.
My new room may be in shambles at the moment, but this space is beautiful. I'm in love with my new house, my amazing roomates, my neighborhood, and the fun adventures that lay before me.

Excuse me now, I must go to sleep so that I can wake up to the sun beaming in through my four giant windows, asking me to wake up and explore the neighborhood.

Pictures of the new place soon to come!