Lately, I've been feeling convicted. I've shut it out and shut it out, but without fail, I turn around and there it is: conviction. When did I get so selfish, competitive, and prideful? I've been living so selfishly for the past... long time. For a stint I could almost feel myself slipping away, but I didn't want to deal with it, I wanted to live however I wanted to. After all, I'm young, I deserve to have fun, right? Little did I realize how really unhappy I had become, I was restless, dissatisfied and ashamed for not doing what I knew in my heart were the good and right and perfect things to do. So I decided to make silly life rules, which I often tend to do, in order to 'live better' and make better choices as to avoid emotional upset and drama. I'm not saying these rules are bad, in fact, some of them have been very helpful and have been the best rules and decisions I've made in quite a long time. But I've suddenly been feeling convicted that my heart is STILL not in the right place, I was doing these things because I thought they were a good idea for me and I hoped that ultimately they would make my relationship with God stronger, but in all reality they did nothing but give me more reasons to be self-righteous. I am being just as selfish as before and feel no closer to God. Ugh. When will I ever get this right? It's not about me.
Rules can be there, but they can't ever be used as a replacement for a genuine heart to heart relationship with God.
It's amazing to see the people that God sent across my path. Wide awake christians, living life as normal, everyday people, making a difference in the lives of the people around them simply by loving them, not by following a set of rules. Completely unselfish and beautiful. *sigh* things are getting better, my heart is changing. What can I say? It's a process, but I'm headed in the right direction.
i hope it's not creepy that i found your blog. but since i did, i just had to say that i love it. :) it's fun bumping into you at kaldi's!
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