It's Always Storming in St. Louis

The storm is raging outside.

I want to be lying in a field watching the rain falling into my eyes and drenching me until my makeup is running down my face and my hair is a matted mess of grass and mud. I want to feel every drop of water crashing into the open palms of my hands. I want the lighting to flash above me and around me. I want to feel the thunder shaking the ground beneath me. I want to be fearless and strong like the storm. I want to be reckless like the storm. I want to be able to change things the way a storm does. I want to be terribly beautiful like the storm. A storm is everything I'm not, yet everything I want to be.

I'll find my way eventually.

Twenty-four will not be a year I give up to just anything.

I've only ever wanted to make people feel

If I can make someone feel, I know I've done well, I've accomplished what I've set out to do.

Perhaps it's because my whole life I've searched to find the things that make ME feel. It's as if there was this secret club, something unspoken that can only really be understood by those who choose to stop, to slow down, to look, to listen, and to understand more than what's expected. It's these silent, knowing experiences that speak to me, these experiences that can't be put into words. The new feelings that can't be described except for creating some new word to title the nuances of what is really happening. “that feeling when you view a magnificent piece of art that strikes your heart with it's beauty and sends pangs of emotion through your bloodstream with every beat of your heart.” “That feeling when the music, lyrics, past, future and present all come together in one giant swell, which summons one unchecked teardrop that rolls out of your grateful heart onto the unforgiving floor beneath you” “The feeling in that moment when you realize you are no longer just reading a book, but you are the book, the characters are you and the places are your life, and their story is your story.”

I only ever want to make people feel these kinds of things. To feel the greater connection that can't be put into words, only understood. And when you've found someone who understands this and shares the understanding, it's a moment of pure beauty.

I've lost sight of this. I've lost sight of so much.

Top Ten, Anyone?

Here it is, the list of top ten things that '09 brought my way (in no particular order).

London Calling

Best party in the midwest, hands down.

DJ Nick O.

Watching this kid DJ is awesome. He's likely St Louis' most underrated show. No joke.

The Broth Adventures

New roomies and I find all kinds of ways to get into "trouble"

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

BEST SHOW EVER. I only wish I had discovered it much earlier.

Copenhagen

This beautiful, beautiful city quickly tied with Paris as a fav. Someday I will live there. I hope.

Twitter

An early and avid user. What can I say? I'm Twitterpated.

Thursday nights at Pi

Good music, food, friends and dancing all in a perfect laid back environment. A night I always look forward to foz.

Plaid

Everything looks better in plaid. Trust me, this fad will be missed when it's gone.

The Journey Girls & Co.

(unfortunately there's no picture existing with everyone)

Best of times with this new found group of friends. It's just too bad these things don't last forever.

Emusic

Cheapest music EV. This site has not helped my music addiction one bit.

A New Year's Pledge

This year I pledge:

- To be awesome.

- To be an artist, to have an artists heart, to make art. A lot of it.

- To free myself to feel again, to see the beauty that is shouting out at me in even the smallest nuances of life, and to feel whatever emotions they evoke in me.

- To be a writer, to write out what I feel, and to make up a ton of new words for all the new feelings I experience.

- To be a student, always and forever. I will read and learn and be my own teacher. This brain needs stretching.

- To find a way to always be moving forward.

- To find the confidence, strength, and motivation that I've lost somewhere along the way. I will face problems head on, I will confront when confrontation is necessary, I will be silent when silence is needed, I will be bold and tactful, I will be strong.

This world is big and scary, but I'm ready now.

Autumnal Rhythms

Riding the rhythms of the seasons, we know them all too well, the ups, the downs and the music that comforts us during this time when both change and constancy are somehow equally being forced upon us.

Some personal Autumnal favorites:

Wilco: Sky Blue Sky

For fall road trips to visit loved ones in far away places.

Bowerbirds: Upper Air

For bonfire nights and getting lost in corn mazes and walks in the crisp fall air.

Gregory and the Hawk: Moenie and Kitchi

For time spent on the front porch swing watching the world change, trying not to get stuck in the past.

Welcome to the Fall

The wind is whistling through the window, circling round and leaving again. On it's bow is a hint of orange and brown and the smells of changing leaves, caramel apples and pumpkin patches.

Something in the air changed. Fall is here.

Can you feel it?


The world is preparing to sleep and people's hearts are starting to struggle to stay awake as fall begins trying to pull them down into deep slumber. This year I can't help but think that fall will drag me under. This year I feel as though I have no strength to stay awake. I don't want to reflect, I don't want to contemplate, not this year.

Sleep is pulling me under. Deep it draws me, down, down, down, to a place where my heart will be safely tucked away and it can sleep peacefully, no longer burdened by the weight of the world. I'll be back in my old yard trying to catch the giant oak leaves as they fall from what seems like miles above. I'll be laying in the grass among the fallen leaves, watching the shadows grow long, imagining what it would be like to float like a leaf on the breeze that brushes over my cherry-red nose.

If you must, come find me.

A Watery Grave

"I don't know..you're really distant"
"I know, I don't know what happened or how to snap out of it."

Why is it such a struggle for my heart to feel anything these days? I try and try, but nothing. My heart feels nothing.
It's as though I buried my heart in the watery depths of the Baltic Sea. I'm not sure if I can get it back. Rather, I'm not sure if I want to retrieve it. The difficulties in that endeavor would be painful and long and I don't even know why. I don't even know what secrets it's keeping from me or why I thought it best to throw it overboard. When did these walls go up? When did I seal it off? How deep must I dig to free it again, and is it even worth the effort right now?
For the time being, my life consists of to do lists that even my friends and family are on. "have fun" "be there for so and so" "be accepting of new friends."
Something inside of me snapped and seems irreparable.
God, where are You? Why am I so alone?
It scares me that being alone is okay with me, that maybe if I admit it, it's what I prefer. How completely selfish of me.

If I could just make it back to the sea, maybe this all would make sense.

The Beginning of a Brand New Adventure

Here I am, I've made it. Almost unbelievable how far I feel like I've come.
This giant leap feels so great, something I've been needing for entirely too long, yet something I never thought would be so soon. No matter how prepared you think you are, somehow it's never enough. Honestly, lately I've felt something like an awkward tween, unaware of my own height and breadth. I may bump my head a few times, but I'm more than happy to take that risk in order to start this new chapter.
My new room may be in shambles at the moment, but this space is beautiful. I'm in love with my new house, my amazing roomates, my neighborhood, and the fun adventures that lay before me.

Excuse me now, I must go to sleep so that I can wake up to the sun beaming in through my four giant windows, asking me to wake up and explore the neighborhood.

Pictures of the new place soon to come!

Something to Lose

I want the best of both worlds.

I want constancy yet I want everything to change.

I want comfort yet I want to be stretched. I yearn to be stretched.

I want to go back to a time when I had something to lose. I miss that. I miss you. But I want to move forward and push on more than anything.

God, where do I go from here? Why can't I seem to find my way? What is this roller coaster I've been on for the past two years and when can I get off? Did I miss the exit?

I don't want to be this person anymore, what happened to that girl I used to know who wouldn't settle for the mundane or mediocre?

Keep pushing, keep trudging, don't settle for this, don't settle for comfortable.

Surely You have more for me than this, I know there has to be more.

Knitting

I'm home.

I'm knitting. I'm knitting my life.

I don't know what it's going to be, but in the end it will be beautiful, of this I am sure. Patterns will emerge and colors will weave in and out. You're there, did you know? Represented in a piece of yarn. What color are you? Are you constant, do you fade in and out gradually or begin and end abruptly? Do you overwhelm the pattern? Do you have any lasting effects?

Steer clear, please, if you intend to overwhelm and then leave, or if you intend to ruin the pattern.

I'm going to try harder now. I'm going to try much much harder to live well, to do what I love, and to be the kind of friend that stays.

Day #182

It's so strange, six months ago I imagined I would be counting down the days until this Tuesday, July 1st, but no, in fact, before I could blink it was the middle of June and I was dreading the very day I thought I would be eagerly anticipating.

I'm not sure what's happened to me, but I don't dislike it.

I understand that nothing needs to change just because the day that marked the end of my commitment to not date has come and gone.  No, nothing needs to change at all and I knew nothing really would change, anyway.  It's just suddenly, now that the six months have passed, I feel as though that was not enough time.  I need more time!  Maybe I'm just in need of another easy excuse to be able to say "no" and not feel bad, OR I just need to be strong and remember that excuses are for wussies anyway and no one needs or even deserves an explanation or an excuse from me.

It occurred to me on the drive home from my friend's house tonight how strange my life must seem to other people, but to me it doesn't make sense to live any other way.  

I just can't waste any more of my time and energy on boys.  I've done enough of that and have come to realize that there are more important things in life: I just want to love people, I want to be there for my family and friends, I want to follow God unhindered and undistracted, I want to live simply, with no silly and completely avoidable complications, I want it to be a 'drama-free 23'.  That's right, it's come to this, I'm now giving every year a tag line...

Bianco

Four years ago I walked into the library to scour the sale table in search of some book with great illustrations to be used in a collage piece.  In the midst of this search, I found records selling for 50 cents, so cheap!  I looked through the unfamiliar, awkwardly-sized things, not really sure why.  There was something romantic about them that was speaking into my heart.  I wanted one, but it all seemed rather outdated and pointless really, since I had no way of listening to it.  The left half of my brain won out and I chose this little gem:

I bought my books and record and continued on my merry way.  The record was always around, it sat gathering dust on a shelf in my room, moved under a few piles of papers, lived amidst school books and old handouts.  I would run across it every so often only to brush off the dust and admire the cover.  I guess the mystery was a little alluring to me, I didn't know what it sounded like, and perhaps there was a chance I would never know, but I kept it just the same.  A little over a year ago I visited my sister, surprised to find that she had bought a record player at a garage sale. SCORE! As soon as I had the chance, I brought my beloved little record over to her condo to hear, after three years of waiting and wondering, what it would sing to me.

It was beautiful.  I've always had a special place in my heart for the harp, there's something delicately beautiful in its sound that makes my eyes misty and my heart swell with emotion.

From that point, I was on a mission to find a record player... within my budget.  Craigslist searches commenced. I learned a lot about record players in a very short amount of time, most of which I don't really remember, but there was a point where I theoretically knew how to change a needle and make my own matt.  After telling my dad about my quest, he surprised me by buying me a brand new record player for my birthday! I was one happy kiddo, for now I could listen to Bianco's Harp and Orchestra whenever I wanted.  

Since then I have collected a variety of LPs from rummage sales, resale shops, record stores, and my grandmother's old record collection which I found while cleaning out the basement, but I always come back to listen to Bianco.  He taught me a lesson in patience and reward that I will never forget.  

A New Season

It's really been an interesting week. I've put in a ton of hours working on little sleep and almost died in the heat yesterday.  I have a list of phone calls to make that's a mile long, my poor puppy is sick as, well, a dog, I've been in and out of strange moods that I'm unsure how to deal with, and I have had a complaining problem that I can't seem to shake...

Despite that, somehow, good things came out of this week.  Good, encouraging things.  The kind of things that make me think that I'm on the right track, I'm in God's will... and nothing can be sweeter than that.

On the drive home tonight, God gave me a sense of joy and fullness that I haven't felt in so very long.  I could feel his presence so strongly, it was as though he was giving me a giant hug and assuring me that I'm headed in the right direction and everything really IS going to turn out all right.  I drove forever. He showed me a glimpse of the beauty, grace, and freedom He's leading me to, while reminding me to learn from the past, but at the same time, to put behind those former things.

This is a new season.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:18 

Ehk.

Today: 

For the first time in a while I am completely disappointed in myself.  I don't know why I let silly and stupid excuses get in the way of me putting 100% into something I'm working on.  As I listened to myself making excuses for my subpar work, I began to realize that I was using double standards and what an awful realization that was.  I've always been one to believe that there truly are no excuses for most things.  I've never been sympathetic to people who give excuses: my face may be saying "I understand..." but in my head I'm thinking "really? you couldn't try any harder? What you mean is you didn't WANT to try any harder..."  And perhaps that is a bit unforgiving and harsh, but I feel as though it's correct.  I guess most of the time I hold myself to these standards, but not all of the time, and when I don't I really feel like crap.  This, coupled with a strange night yesterday in which I was completely guilty of not following an impression God strongly put on my heart, is really bringing me down.

Surely things will look up again soon.  

An Attempt to be a Little More Honest

I feel like most of the time I am never really completely open and honest while blogging. I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think it really is necessary to get these things out at times and make yourself a little more vulnerable ::shudders:: 

Lately, I've been feeling convicted.  I've shut it out and shut it out, but without fail, I turn around and there it is: conviction.  When did I get so selfish, competitive, and prideful?  I've been living so selfishly for the past... long time.  For a stint I could almost feel myself slipping away, but I didn't want to deal with it, I wanted to live however I wanted to.  After all, I'm young, I deserve to have fun, right?  Little did I realize how really unhappy I had become, I was restless, dissatisfied and ashamed for not doing what I knew in my heart were the good and right and perfect things to do.  So I decided to make silly life rules, which I often tend to do, in order to 'live better' and make better choices as to avoid emotional upset and drama.  I'm not saying these rules are bad, in fact, some of them have been very helpful and have been the best rules and decisions I've made in quite a long time.  But I've suddenly been feeling convicted that my heart is STILL not in the right place, I was doing these things because I thought they were a good idea for me and I hoped that ultimately they would make my relationship with God stronger, but in all reality they did nothing but give me more reasons to be self-righteous.  I am being just as selfish as before and feel no closer to God.  Ugh.  When will I ever get this right?  It's not about me.  

Rules can be there, but they can't ever be used as a replacement for a genuine heart to heart relationship with God.

It's amazing to see the people that God sent across my path.  Wide awake christians, living life as normal, everyday people, making a difference in the lives of the people around them simply by loving them, not by following a set of rules.  Completely unselfish and beautiful.  *sigh*  things are getting better, my heart is changing. What can I say? It's a process, but I'm headed in the right direction.

The Emerald City: Thoughts on Seattle (journal excerpt)

I've found Seattle to be a good 'in-between' city.  It's some strange cross between a sleepy town, tourist central, and a bustling metropolis.  It certainly shares the west coast's laid back feel, but with a different kind of energy. I like that it hasn't been ruined by people I know.  I came here with no major preconceived notions and most certainly am not expecting to run into anyone I will have ever met before.  I feel like I could really like it here.  Part of me agrees with something my dad told me, he said that all cities are really pretty much the same only the terrain and weather are different, another part of me thinks that cities have completely different feels, despite their apparent similarities.  I guess I'm just having a hard time pinpointing what it is about THIS city in particular that is different.  These things are often hard to put into words.  Seattle doesn't excite my heart like New York did, or take me by surprise like Denver, the only word I can find to describe it is 'comfortable'.  From the moment I arrived here I've just felt at home.  It isn't some strange, menacing or scary place and though I know there are many places and things here to explore, I don't feel an overwhelming need to search them out.  I really enjoy the fact that people here are accepting and 'normal'.  The people here just feel real.  Although, I have found there to be a lack of smiles. Yes, smiles and color are what are missing. Perhaps that's a result of the weather.  Maybe if I just looked harder for them.  Regardless, the air is clean, the people are nice, and it's there's always somewhere inviting and beautiful to rest, take to a deep breath and just be.

The Sounds of Summer

A few suggestions from the vaults:

The Bird and the Bee - Ray Guns Are Not Just the Future

For summer car ride sing-a-longs with windows down and volume up. Try not to dance, I dare you.

Noah and the Whale - Peaceful the World Lays Me Down

For picnics and hammocks and kites and porch swings and picture-taking and all kinds of summer memory-making.

Beirut - The Flying Club Cup

For star-gazing summer nights filled with chirping crickets, fireflies and dreams of lost loves.

Of Montreal - The Sunlandic Twins

For summer afternoons by the pool, on the beach, or on the back porch (with or without the kiddie pool that overflows upon entrance).

Breakfast In New York, and I Know That I'm Dreaming

After a long day in NYC, I have to say that I am delightfully surprised at how much I like the city. I think I had heard soooooo much praise about it, and watched so many friends move away to the Big Apple for no reason other than the fact that they had fallen in love with the city, that I refused to believe that NYC was all that great. But the strangest thing happened, the moment I drove over The George Washington Bridge I could feel the energy of the city. I suddenly started to understand how people fall in love with the place. In kind of a crazy way, it reminded me of being in another country. Imagine something akin to a cross between Paris and Barcelona. Culture is all around, people are genuine, and there's something to be explored down every side street and alleyway. Added bonus: it feels relatively safe. I feel like I could spend years exploring the city and never get bored.

The Guggenheim was amazing, an exhibit titled The Third Mind was on display which dealt with Asia's influence on American art.. Included in the exhibit was a beautiful little site-specific performance piece by Ann Hamilton that was not only intriguing to watch but very stirring. Another favorite was Emily Jacir's work commemorating the life and tragic death of Wael Zuaiter. Of course I MUST mention that it was an absolute dream to be inside one of Wright's gorgeous and innovatively designed buildings. The Metropolitan was equally astounding. Renoir, Rembrandt, Monet, Manet, Picasso, Johns, Warhol, Pollock, and Close, all could be found here, and find them I did! The trip ended with my all time favorite piece of the day Anselm Keifer's Bohemia Lies by the Sea. A breathtaking painting that stirs something unexplainable inside of me. Keifer, you've done it again. Someday I would like to meet you or at least have one of your pieces hanging on my wall.

Anyway, besides the fact that no one in my family likes modern art (I don't know how we're related) and my brother picked on me all morning, it's been a very good trip thus far. I'm so excited to see one of my old friends this weekend! Unfortunately I know one too many people who are so close right now, that I just can't visit all of them ): infact I didn't even tell anyone I was coming because this is *supposed* to be a family trip. I apologize to anyone who finds this later! I'm planning on coming back, I promise!!

New York, you win. I like it here.

Posted with LifeCast

It goes on and on and on and on

Life has been absolutely crazy the past few weeks, so much was constantly going on that I never really had time to be home for any extended lengths unless I was sleeping.

Some highlights:
- My friend Jenny got married! And oh my goodness was she absolutely breath taking. I got to take some really great pictures when I wasn't actually being a part of the wedding, which I will hopefully finish editing this week. This was a happy but sad event because as Jenny said those fateful words 'I do,' the Singles Club had one less member, which is sad, but at that very same moment a 'dues due' stamp was put on Jenny's membership file, meaning I have some cash coming my way.
- Through the wedding I got to meet some friends of the bride and groom, who were really great people. We ended up playing scrabble until the wee hours of the morning and dove home in a blizzard. Good times.
- The group of friends I've been hanging out with have now been tagged “The Journey Girls,” which I think is great. I love being a Journey girl. Not only because it's cool but it also doubles as a reference to the 80's rock band. Which is fitting because we truly won't stop believing...
- Many adventures have been shared with the Journey Girls and Co. Concerts, birthdays, VIP rooms, meeting celebrities, Stl fashion week, attending The Journey of course, and searching for the ever elusive Mr. Clooney. (who, rumor has it, checked me out as I passed him outside of Mandarin [which I can confirm]) Truly, there are too many good stories to squeeze into one little blog post.
- I had the privilege of modeling for a friend of a friend's fashion line, you can find her here and later in the year you can find me there too! Brea McAnally does all the shooting, you can find her amazing work here.
- I've been up at the Luminary quite a bit lately helping out, and although it brings out a very quiet side of me, I very much enjoy being around the people there.
- Work 'accidentally' scheduled me a week off... which was not so much a highlight when I first saw the schedule (in fact, I may have shed a tear of frustration) but it is becoming a highlight because I now have time to blog, clean, stalkerbook, edit some photos, hopefully start a new art project, and just play catch up.

A low light... I feel as though I've been captured on camera one too many times and am beginning to look like one of those stl party girls... (please, alive magazine, don't put me on the back page)

Coming up: Copeland, New Jersey/NYC trip with the fam, London Calling pt. 2, and hopefully another chapter or two in the lives of The Journey Girls... and Co.

Gonna Turn Up the Volume 'til I Can't Even Think

So many things have been going through my mind lately I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise when I reacted the way I did. Sometimes escaping your own thoughts for a short while sounds like just the trick. The thing is, I'm not feeling overwhelmed or stressed. My mind has just been in overdrive for the past week. Thinking about life, thinking about the people I love, thinking about unresolved issues, thinking about art, thinking about schools, thinking about trips to NY, Seattle, and The Baltics, about choices I've made and will have to make, about church, about work, about moving, about change, about things that matter, about making a difference, about loving people: every one of them, about not flirting, about being misunderstood and misunderstanding, about dreaming, about feelings, about being alone, about self-defense, about exercise, about praying, about drawing, about art projects, about websites, about facebook, about emails, about twitter, about walking the dog, about the neighbor's cat, about phone calls I should be making and phone calls and texts I've screened, about saying “no“, about breaking poor boys' hearts, about forgetting and being forgotten, about what I want to be when I grow up, about growing up, about reading books, about netflix, about running errands, about finances, about birthdays and presents and cards and letters and holidays and family and keeping up with people and being honest and oral hygiene and haircuts and cleaning and organization and... the list never ends. One thing leads to another to another to another until I'm thinking about a million things and can't remember what it was that started it all.

Eee Gads! When will it ever stop? It's just that suddenly I can't tell myself to think about these things later and focus on right now.

Things need to be sorted through, things need to be dealt with, but nothing is pressing. Maybe that's the problem, nothing is “most important“ at any given moment. I've completely forgotten how to order things.