I've only ever wanted to make people feel

If I can make someone feel, I know I've done well, I've accomplished what I've set out to do.

Perhaps it's because my whole life I've searched to find the things that make ME feel. It's as if there was this secret club, something unspoken that can only really be understood by those who choose to stop, to slow down, to look, to listen, and to understand more than what's expected. It's these silent, knowing experiences that speak to me, these experiences that can't be put into words. The new feelings that can't be described except for creating some new word to title the nuances of what is really happening. “that feeling when you view a magnificent piece of art that strikes your heart with it's beauty and sends pangs of emotion through your bloodstream with every beat of your heart.” “That feeling when the music, lyrics, past, future and present all come together in one giant swell, which summons one unchecked teardrop that rolls out of your grateful heart onto the unforgiving floor beneath you” “The feeling in that moment when you realize you are no longer just reading a book, but you are the book, the characters are you and the places are your life, and their story is your story.”

I only ever want to make people feel these kinds of things. To feel the greater connection that can't be put into words, only understood. And when you've found someone who understands this and shares the understanding, it's a moment of pure beauty.

I've lost sight of this. I've lost sight of so much.

Nothing... or Something?

"Pooh, what's your favorite thing in the whole world?"
"My favorite thing is me coming to visit you, and then you ask, "How about a small smackeral of honey?"
"I like that, too. But what I like most of all is just doing nothing."
"How do you do just nothing?"
"Well, when grown-ups ask, "What are you going to do?" and you say, "Nothing," and then you go and do it."
"I like that. Let's do it all the time."

After an entire day spent doing nothing, ie: catching up on Lost, the Office, and HIMYM, surfing the web (specifically fb, twitter and youtube) and eating an inordinate amount of truffles, (granted, I am sick with the sniffles, sneezies and coughs) I am thrown back to the longest most boring time of my life: The Summer of '08. What I did today was LITERALLY all I did that summer, except that thrown in the mix was the craigslist "search for jobs" which mostly just ended up in missed connections (yes, I'm an addicted, avid reader). Let's just say, that was NOT a good time.

Why is it so easy to do "nothing"?

I can blame it on a million things, but truly it's just my own laziness and procrastination that is keeping me from doing "something."

I have come a long way from the summer of 08, but I've a long way to go to reach maximum productivity levels. Until then, I'll enjoy my sporadic youtube and stalkerbook days.

A recently found gem:

sure, the world wide web is great...

Sometimes, well, a lot of the time I wish technology was not quite so advanced.

Just yesterday while I was at work someone called whose voice sounded so familiar, and after hanging up, I couldn't stop my mind from wandering, creating scenarios of reconnecting with someone I hadn't talked to for years all because of a random phone call. Also, recently one of my friends jokingly asked me, "what would you think if you came home from work and I was sitting at your kitchen table having tea with your grandma?" Marvelous! Why DONT people do that? Whatever happened to people just 'stopping by' without a phone call or a planned meeting? Am I crazy, or wouldn't that just be wonderful? People used to do it all the time!

I think that online communities and cell phones have really kind of ruined things. They are the source of so much drama, fakeness and heartache. At the same time, I do realize that technology has it's good sides, after all, who am I to be saying 'down with technology' when I myself have one of the most advanced technological gadgets within earshot 24 hours a day. I suppose, as with everything you must take the good with the bad.

It's just so easy to 'find people' these days, sometimes I wish it was harder. I wish it was harder to seek people out and to be sought after. Not just a simple 'click click click.... befriend.' I caught myself saying the other day “I know people who don't even know I know them!” How can I even say that? I don't know ANYONE based on a simple bit of data that's posted under their name on some stupid web page. Sure, maybe I've figured out their name and favorite books, movies, music, and have seen all of their pictures from birth to present day, but that certainly doesn't mean anything.

Maybe I was born in the wrong century.

Life Post-College

Since graduation life has been a strange mix of emotions along with lots of time to think. This is really a strange time for me. In school, I was the kind of person who planned out every hour of the day in order to fit in school, family, friends and homework all with time for that precious hour of television to watch my newest favorite show of the season. I was a hard worker and I liked feeling like I was a hard worker.

These days there is no schedule, there's no list of things that need to be done, well, at least it's not even long enough to have to write down. I miss my planner with it's million things exploding out of the day's square.

Even though I miss being busy and feeling productive, I'm learning a lot in this period of time that I've been forced to 'take a breath.' I've met some wonderful people and God's teaching me to look to Him and not to my goals or aspirations to find my identity. Graduating college was my goal for as long as I can remember and I never really gave life after college much thought until I arrived here. Let's just say I'm learning to like it. I find comfort in the apparent temporariness of the situation, I know that life will not always be this simple and that I should use this time wisely, not going down dead end roads, but investing in friendships that will last, taking the initiative to continue learning on my own, and continuing to create even when I don't feel like it.