"I don't know..you're really distant"
"I know, I don't know what happened or how to snap out of it."
Why is it such a struggle for my heart to feel anything these days? I try and try, but nothing. My heart feels nothing.
It's as though I buried my heart in the watery depths of the Baltic Sea. I'm not sure if I can get it back. Rather, I'm not sure if I want to retrieve it. The difficulties in that endeavor would be painful and long and I don't even know why. I don't even know what secrets it's keeping from me or why I thought it best to throw it overboard. When did these walls go up? When did I seal it off? How deep must I dig to free it again, and is it even worth the effort right now?
For the time being, my life consists of to do lists that even my friends and family are on. "have fun" "be there for so and so" "be accepting of new friends."
Something inside of me snapped and seems irreparable.
God, where are You? Why am I so alone?
It scares me that being alone is okay with me, that maybe if I admit it, it's what I prefer. How completely selfish of me.
If I could just make it back to the sea, maybe this all would make sense.
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