"I don't know..you're really distant"
"I know, I don't know what happened or how to snap out of it."
Why is it such a struggle for my heart to feel anything these days? I try and try, but nothing. My heart feels nothing.
It's as though I buried my heart in the watery depths of the Baltic Sea. I'm not sure if I can get it back. Rather, I'm not sure if I want to retrieve it. The difficulties in that endeavor would be painful and long and I don't even know why. I don't even know what secrets it's keeping from me or why I thought it best to throw it overboard. When did these walls go up? When did I seal it off? How deep must I dig to free it again, and is it even worth the effort right now?
For the time being, my life consists of to do lists that even my friends and family are on. "have fun" "be there for so and so" "be accepting of new friends."
Something inside of me snapped and seems irreparable.
God, where are You? Why am I so alone?
It scares me that being alone is okay with me, that maybe if I admit it, it's what I prefer. How completely selfish of me.
If I could just make it back to the sea, maybe this all would make sense.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Beginning of a Brand New Adventure
Here I am, I've made it. Almost unbelievable how far I feel like I've come.
This giant leap feels so great, something I've been needing for entirely too long, yet something I never thought would be so soon. No matter how prepared you think you are, somehow it's never enough. Honestly, lately I've felt something like an awkward tween, unaware of my own height and breadth. I may bump my head a few times, but I'm more than happy to take that risk in order to start this new chapter.
My new room may be in shambles at the moment, but this space is beautiful. I'm in love with my new house, my amazing roomates, my neighborhood, and the fun adventures that lay before me.
Excuse me now, I must go to sleep so that I can wake up to the sun beaming in through my four giant windows, asking me to wake up and explore the neighborhood.
Pictures of the new place soon to come!
This giant leap feels so great, something I've been needing for entirely too long, yet something I never thought would be so soon. No matter how prepared you think you are, somehow it's never enough. Honestly, lately I've felt something like an awkward tween, unaware of my own height and breadth. I may bump my head a few times, but I'm more than happy to take that risk in order to start this new chapter.
My new room may be in shambles at the moment, but this space is beautiful. I'm in love with my new house, my amazing roomates, my neighborhood, and the fun adventures that lay before me.
Excuse me now, I must go to sleep so that I can wake up to the sun beaming in through my four giant windows, asking me to wake up and explore the neighborhood.
Pictures of the new place soon to come!
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