It's Always Storming in St. Louis

The storm is raging outside.

I want to be lying in a field watching the rain falling into my eyes and drenching me until my makeup is running down my face and my hair is a matted mess of grass and mud. I want to feel every drop of water crashing into the open palms of my hands. I want the lighting to flash above me and around me. I want to feel the thunder shaking the ground beneath me. I want to be fearless and strong like the storm. I want to be reckless like the storm. I want to be able to change things the way a storm does. I want to be terribly beautiful like the storm. A storm is everything I'm not, yet everything I want to be.

I'll find my way eventually.

Twenty-four will not be a year I give up to just anything.

I've only ever wanted to make people feel

If I can make someone feel, I know I've done well, I've accomplished what I've set out to do.

Perhaps it's because my whole life I've searched to find the things that make ME feel. It's as if there was this secret club, something unspoken that can only really be understood by those who choose to stop, to slow down, to look, to listen, and to understand more than what's expected. It's these silent, knowing experiences that speak to me, these experiences that can't be put into words. The new feelings that can't be described except for creating some new word to title the nuances of what is really happening. “that feeling when you view a magnificent piece of art that strikes your heart with it's beauty and sends pangs of emotion through your bloodstream with every beat of your heart.” “That feeling when the music, lyrics, past, future and present all come together in one giant swell, which summons one unchecked teardrop that rolls out of your grateful heart onto the unforgiving floor beneath you” “The feeling in that moment when you realize you are no longer just reading a book, but you are the book, the characters are you and the places are your life, and their story is your story.”

I only ever want to make people feel these kinds of things. To feel the greater connection that can't be put into words, only understood. And when you've found someone who understands this and shares the understanding, it's a moment of pure beauty.

I've lost sight of this. I've lost sight of so much.

Top Ten, Anyone?

Here it is, the list of top ten things that '09 brought my way (in no particular order).

London Calling

Best party in the midwest, hands down.

DJ Nick O.

Watching this kid DJ is awesome. He's likely St Louis' most underrated show. No joke.

The Broth Adventures

New roomies and I find all kinds of ways to get into "trouble"

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

BEST SHOW EVER. I only wish I had discovered it much earlier.

Copenhagen

This beautiful, beautiful city quickly tied with Paris as a fav. Someday I will live there. I hope.

Twitter

An early and avid user. What can I say? I'm Twitterpated.

Thursday nights at Pi

Good music, food, friends and dancing all in a perfect laid back environment. A night I always look forward to foz.

Plaid

Everything looks better in plaid. Trust me, this fad will be missed when it's gone.

The Journey Girls & Co.

(unfortunately there's no picture existing with everyone)

Best of times with this new found group of friends. It's just too bad these things don't last forever.

Emusic

Cheapest music EV. This site has not helped my music addiction one bit.

A New Year's Pledge

This year I pledge:

- To be awesome.

- To be an artist, to have an artists heart, to make art. A lot of it.

- To free myself to feel again, to see the beauty that is shouting out at me in even the smallest nuances of life, and to feel whatever emotions they evoke in me.

- To be a writer, to write out what I feel, and to make up a ton of new words for all the new feelings I experience.

- To be a student, always and forever. I will read and learn and be my own teacher. This brain needs stretching.

- To find a way to always be moving forward.

- To find the confidence, strength, and motivation that I've lost somewhere along the way. I will face problems head on, I will confront when confrontation is necessary, I will be silent when silence is needed, I will be bold and tactful, I will be strong.

This world is big and scary, but I'm ready now.